"I don't like people who fall in love with me too fast. I am a lot like the brain. It takes time for me to analyze things. It once took me 4 years to come back to someone, that when I called him out of the blue on his graduation, he thought I was drunk. I wasn't. I was just (and still am) in love," STM on how real love is rare to find.
Nothing annoys my parents more than how picky I am. I am not picky, I just am a lot like the brain. Ok, I am picky, but it's not like I am waiting for a Brad Pitt. And not that I think that's handsome anyways. I used to. But now, I have learned that beauty, is my own people. Their dark coarse features. Their tempers. Their passion. Gosh, even their facial hair.
But, more importantly, it gets overly ridiculous when people who never knew me, see me for the first time, and start talking about marriage with me. Then they do the whole, 'It's time and you're not 21 bla bla bla.' I don't give a rat's gluteus. I.E. spare me the drama. Then they try harder. Write me all the time. Tell me that they 'knew it was me,' from the moment they saw me. That I am so beautiful, etc. I am not all that. And I don't want people to think I am, either.
And not that I don't believe in love at first sight, ofcourse I do. Just get back to me, after you've thought it through for years. I don't rush important decisions in my life. And if I showed interest, and you go and marry yourself off and get abused, please don't come back and say you always loved me. I will NOT take you back!
But, I believe in love. As the above quote states, it took me 4 years to figure it out. And I have caught myself, forcing love, just to marry that doctor that every mother wants for her daughter. Then, I stopped myself, and said no. I said to myself, 'Sarah, you don't love this person, don't do it.' And I am thankful, I did just that. I didn't do it. Because I realized that what I tried to force, was something that would have only resulted in disaster.
The person I love made me a better person. Helped me stay as a virgin, despite my wild inclination. Many times, in hardship, I wanted to experiment. But his words: 'You are different than other girls," and his words to my brother, "Your sister is the kinda girl I'd like to marry," changed me forever. During that ride on the beach, he never even tried to hold my hand. Nothing. And I respected that. For once in my life, I saw a man, that actually had self control. And he loved his family. When he left to answer his mom's call, I saw a person that put them first. He pierced me, more than anything else in my life. Oh, but I would never tell him that affect. Love, is and always will be, private for me.
I calculate all my plans, and I execute them after I analyze the facts. I am a lot like the brain and I also, pray daily. In fact, I have diaries asking God for things that he has miraculously brought to the exact fruition. Even simple requests, as the ability to see someone again. Love should be real. It should be spiritual. I am a simple girl. Despite the overly religious attire in our community, God is in my heart. I go late to church. I wear makeup.
I sometimes like to show myself, not as the most covered up conservative girl. Once, I told my mom, it's time for me to once show off what God has blessed me with. I'm always hiding, what people pay so much money to do surgical procedures for. And I am real. I am 100% natural in everything, and I will not be a nun. I never used my seducing abilities. But I have them mama, I have them.
And I'm tired of our Coptic men being seduced by women, who will only ruin their lives, after they take all their money in child support. Or financial abuse, whichever pays the bills better. But us Coptic girls, we're prude. We're difficult. Right? And they are fun, with no strings attached. No, we are taught to mask it up. We're like all girls, we just hide.
So why not show it off? And she trusts me with everything. My mother is the best mother you could possibly imagine. I am so lucky. God bless her. But I still feel guilt. Always, guilt. Because, I am also the virgin that never french kissed. I am a living contradiction, am I not? No, I am the lady in the street. But the freak waiting for her husband. Ok, I am also too honest.
I used to be overly spiritual crazed, until the days of the monastery when St. Moses' showed all his apparitions. That made me realize, God loves us just as we are. He wants out hearts. He loves me, as a sinner. If make-up is a sin. If bla bla is a sin, great, St. Moses and St. Isidore didn't mind.
But our community teaches us to act. That the people in the front row are the saints, and the ones with their backs against the walls, are not. Or that deacons and Sunday School Servants are the role models. I was a Sunday School servant. But after I had to go to school, I had to stop 'serving.' You want to know what I learned? I learned that one could serve even more, without even being a servant. Service is a calling, not a title.
But we judge things. We judge people, even without understanding what they are going through. But they judged Jesus, so big deal right? Exactly. We do what we do, because we want to please God, not men. We are bold then. Don't do things just because someone told you to. Do it because you believe in it.
Love should be carefully planned out. It is a decision, if it is to lead to a lifetime partner. I remember when I started medical school too early (I skipped two grades and was always too young for all I did). I didn't know if my decision was my own. I couldn't even study. And after time away, teaching high school students, I realized medicine was exactly what I wanted to do. But I am also, not married to medicine. I put family before career. I know my priorities. And before you get in a relationship, evaluate your logic and priorities. Ask for God's wisdom.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is---pray for love. Pray for it. Pray that it is real and let go and let God. He decides. Don't force things. God knows the desires in our hearts and wants to make them true. Just have faith.
It's not easy though. I am leaving soon, and it breaks me. Everytime I see my love, I control myself. I restrain it. Because love is all freedom. True love doesn't push. As we mature (or age lol), we learn what true love is. And if it's real, God never deprives us from that. Trust it!
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